6:30 AM as the Mania settles in

Mania has it's perks. I feel more energized, happy, exuberant,confident, I keep the house sparkling clean, & i radiate happiness to those around me! But it has it's evil side... The side where I can't fall asleep until 130am & I'm awake again by 530am when Tristan gets up thinking about how I want to color my hair ombre. It will catch up to me within a weeks time & escalate into mania with a big side of irritability, which often leads to me being unbreakable & so stern just my tone of voice makes you feel like I'm seconds away from whooping your ass-which I am at those times. I will be taking a nap soon cuz I'm SOOO tired... That is if my mania will allow me to do so. It has it's ways of keeping my ass up even when I'm SUPER tired. I absolutely LOVE the hypomanic state I'm in, I just don't want it to turn into full blow mania cuz it's not good when you feel like the hulk & wanna hulk smash everything in your path.
 

Yay! I'm a pretty frickin awesome person. & at times like these I feel amazingly in control of life. I also feel like I'm floating on a happy cloud that no one can take down, but if you try & fuck it up, I have the power to fuck you up! Feeling invincible is incredible :) Yay me!
 

Now only if I had someone to eat breakfast with at 630 in the morning... It would be the perfect day. So on the shortfalls of the day, it will be a good day. Not completely perfect, but a good day.

The Unveiling

 The first post went as follows:

 

Im stealing this quote because it so clearly explains how I feel.

"Don't ever feel bad for having high standards, if someone really wants to be in your life they'll rise up to meet them."

If school has taught me anything, is that its OKAY to set expectations of others, because they are expectations I place on myself as well. Working as a team with anyone means a group effort is required. I do not feel ashamed for the standards I set forth for others. I'm a very caring and understanding person, but I have boundaries that I can not emotionally handle. It is okay for me to be a strong person, and to lay down the line when necessary. If I didn't make this discovery, people would still be walking all over me.

Life is hard for me right now, and I have to remind myself every day that sometimes It has to be about ME and not others. I put so much of my effort in putting OTHERS ahead of me, ahead of my feelings, and my necessities. But through this chapter of my life, I need to accept that it is okay to take care of Barbara for a change. Its been hard for me to accept this change that needs to be made, because if I don't make this change, how can I expect to get better?

Today I have faith that everything will be okay. I accept whatever twists and turns life will throw at me. Today I will not mope at my misfortunes, but rather accept them and move on. I am proud to say that I am Barbara Brown. I am my own individual. I have Bipolar Disorder, Panic Disorder, and ADHD and I don't give a fuck who knows. I am me and always will be. I'm not going to lie, I am a handful of roller coaster rides at this point of my life. Those who really love me accept me for who I am, and if not its your loss because I have a big heart and I am an amazing person! You cant make me feel inferior just because I'm "different". And NO I'm not a crazy person. I have always been this way. If you seem to have misconceptions on the disorders, why don't you open a fucking book and do some research :)

I am not my disorders, my disorders are just a part of me. Accept it or fuck off :)

 

The second post:

I feel very empowered today! No one can take me down!

I will be sharing my feelings more openly instead of hiding and pretending like nothing is wrong. I am who I am, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Love me or hate me, its your choice. If you don't want to read what I have to say..... then just delete me.

 

A Light on ADHD, Anxiety/Panic, and Bipolar Disorder

I was recently diagnosed with all of these conditions.  At first it was really difficult to handle, especially when I found out that I had a mood disorder.  I kept it to myself for months, but then finally felt that maybe if I became more open I can help others not be so afraid of them, give others a better understanding, and help my feelings of repression.

At first my close family and friends were the only people who knew about it, so announcing it to everyone was a bit scary.  With my announcement posted up on Facebook (which I will post up as well), I was afraid people would judge me, and even possibly delete me.  So far most people have been supportive, and if someone doesn't like what I have to say... Well its as easy as pushing the "delete" button.

Giving a voice and bearing my private experiences of my disabilities may help others.  Everyone is different when it comes to if they are comfortable with people knowing or not.  Its understandable, because at first you feel that you will be completely rejected.  That was something I was willing to face in order to shed some light on the disorders.  Most people have the wrong idea about the disorders, and not to mention they effect everyone on an individual basis.

I really hope that this blog grows into a support group for anyone who has ANY sort of disorder or disability.  It doesn't mean that we are crazy or stupid!  Our minds just work differently than most.  And although there are some REALLY difficult days in which I struggle, the great days make the fight worth wile. :)

This is me. I'm here to share my story.

I am not my disorders, my disorders are just a part of me :)